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The Christmas Stalking

Christmas lights for a Christmas story
Photo from Pixabay via Pexels

DI Alan McLean sighed and looked at his watch. Only ten minutes until sunset. He could only guess what time Victor Alexander would return home from work and find whatever he was going to find. McLean pulled the file across the desk and opened it again. It was certainly an unusual case. He wondered whether he’d have been sent the file if half of the station hadn’t gone down with a spectacular vomiting bug. Probably not. It wasn’t a major crime yet, although it certainly had potential. At the moment it was a just bizarrely seasonal stalking.

The first photo in the file had been taken on 22nd December, when Mr Alexander had arrived home to find that the front of his house and two shrubberies had been festooned with fairy lights. It was the Santa dummy on the doorstep that had rattled him. Or rather, the sign around its neck that read ‘what will you be getting for Christmas little boy?’ He wasn’t alarmed – far too level-headed for that – but it was a nuisance. He wanted it on record in case something else happened. The Santa was certainly creepy. A real-life version coming down the chimney would have been enough to send you running away screaming. McLean had taken his daughters to a grotto with a far more avuncular specimen.

He looked at his watch again and wondered what they were doing with their Christmas Eve. Was there a festive movie playing at home? The sky had turned orange and it would soon be dark. Had they talked their mum into making hot chocolate yet? He didn’t yet know what time he’d get home. One call from the officers stationed outside Alexander’s house could give him an idea, but his phone remained silent.

He turned back to the file and another photograph. The 23rd of December had brought a new display. Mr Alexander arrived home to find a series of photographs showing happy families celebrating Christmas. They all looked happy, eating and drinking or exchanging presents. The photographs had been blu-tacked to his front door, along with a wreath saying ‘Merry Christmas’. The FIs hadn’t found any fingerprints but they’d sent the whole lot for further examination, just in case. McLean wondered whether they’d been decimated by vomit too.

Now it was Christmas Eve. Time to find out whether Mr Alexander would come home to another prank or something more serious. He read Alexander’s statements again. He was the senior partner in a firm of accountants based in Leicester city centre. It clearly paid well – the house was large and in an affluent part of town. Yet he lived alone. Conversations with his neighbours revealed a man who worked long hours and didn’t socialise. Perhaps that was why they hadn’t noticed the new decorations being added to his house. McLean wondered whether he should feel sorry for the man, or whether he liked things that way. He drummed his fingers on the desk. It was finally dark. Surely something had to happen soon. There were two plain clothes officers in a car outside the house and a patrol car nearby. His phone buzzed. Mr Alexander had arrived home and there was no obvious sign of any interference with his property. Maybe it had just been a strange practical joke that had fizzled out. Hopefully that meant that he could go home soon. He liked Christmas Eve better than Christmas Day; there was something wonderful about the anticipation. He’d loved sharing the traditions from his childhood in Glasgow too. Most of them had been the same as the English customs, except one. His wife had never heard that you should light a candle and put it in your front window to welcome strangers. Their children had turned it into a candle to welcome Santa instead. He smiled, wondering if the candle would be there to light him home. The phone rang.

“Go ahead. Understood. I’m on my way.”

Alexander’s house looked even more impressive in real life than it did in the photos. The fact that there was a top of the range Jaguar parked in the drive didn’t hurt. McLean knew the plain clothes officer who answered the door.

“Evening sir. We found him in the garage, turning off the power. He’s in the living room now. Mr Alexander wanted a word.” He ended on an eye roll. It had obviously been a trying night already.

As McLean entered the room, his eyes were immediately drawn to the display on the wall next to the fireplace. ‘How does it feel to spend Christmas alone in the dark?’ It had been created by a projector that sat on the carpet.

Another officer rose from the sofa as he entered the room. He’d been sitting next to a pale young man in handcuffs, who was shaking so much McLean wasn’t sure he was capable of standing. It was a stark contrast to the beetle-browed man in the armchair. McLean knew it was Victor Alexander before he stood up to identify himself and shake hands. He had a firm handshake and a piercing gaze. McLean remembered his neighbours’ comments and wondered what it would be like to work for him. You certainly wouldn’t argue with him. The man was physically unremarkable yet somehow, he had force.

“I know it’s not the usual form, but I wanted to hear his explanation before you took him away.”

McLean nodded. “Have you had an explanation?”

Alexander shook his head. “I’m waiting for him to stop trembling. Come on, pull yourself together man!”

There was another chair opposite the sofa and McLean sank into it. He looked into the eyes of the handcuffed man and saw the effort that he was making to form a sentence. Finally, with a gulp and a deep breath, he spoke.

“He doesn’t remember who I am.”

“Should he?”

“We’ve met a few times. I used to come and pick Fiona up when she was working late, save her getting the bus home.” He glanced at Alexander. “That happened quite a lot.”

“Fiona?” Alexander said. “Do you mean Fiona Mitchell?”

“My wife. I’m Mark Mitchell.”

“She was a good worker; I was sorry to lose her.”

“I bet you were. All that overtime for no extra pay.”

“She was dedicated.”

“She was overworked!”

“Is that what this is about?” McLean asked. “Getting your own back on your wife’s old boss? Why?”

Mark was shaking his head. “That’s not it. Let me explain.”

He fell silent until Alexander ran out of patience and told him to get on with it.

“I met Fiona when she was a trainee accountant. She was already working for Mr Alexander’s firm and they were paying for her training. I had quite a few friends who’d gone into law and finance so I knew you had to work hard to make it. The trouble was it never stopped. She told me that once she was qualified, she’d have more of her own clients so she could plan her workload. No more late nights because one of the partners needed her to do something urgent. Except it didn’t work that way. She became a safe pair of hands, someone he,” he nodded at Mr Alexander, “could rely on for sensitive work.”

Alexander nodded. “That’s true enough.”

“When we got married, she had to beg for two weeks off to go on honeymoon. Her Dad had a heart attack and he rang her to ask her to come in while he was still in surgery.”

“I didn’t know that.”

“Of course you didn’t. You don’t exactly encourage personal confidences. But how hard is it to realise that you don’t call someone into work on a day their relative is near death?”

Alexander didn’t reply.

“Christmases were the worst. They always open because tax returns are due at the end of January and their clients often use their Christmas down time to get up to date. Somehow Fiona always ended up working because she didn’t have children.”

“That wasn’t my decision. I left all of that to the office manager.”

“Yeah, but plenty of people asked you to intervene because it was unfair. You could have done that, but you just closed your office door and let the office manager’s cronies get their own way. Every Christmas I’d have to go and visit my family on my own. Every year I’d sit there, seeing the sideways looks between my aunties. Their poor neglected nephew with a career woman for a wife. As if she had a choice. All because you don’t need a break if you haven’t got kids. The irony is, we really wanted them. It wasn’t for a lack of trying.”

“Is that why she left?” McLean asked.

“Yeah. She got home from work one Christmas Eve and just sobbed; she was exhausted. We had two days leave together before she had to be back in the office. I wanted to wrap her in a blanket and sit her on the sofa but she needed to see her family. We spent the whole time travelling around to visit everyone, then she went back to work. She handed her notice in a couple of weeks later.”

Alexander was nodding. “I remember. I still don’t understand why you did all of this. Were you trying to give me a terrible Christmas as some sort of revenge?”

“No. That wasn’t it. Have you read ‘A Christmas Carol’? Charles Dickens?”

Mark looked around the room, addressing the question to all of them. Someone muttered that they’d seen the film and McLean wondered if they meant the Muppet version. “Scrooge didn’t understand Christmas. He thought that life was all about money so he ended up alone and friendless, with no-one to mourn him. You reminded me of that story. You’re all alone in this lovely house until you go back to work. Maybe you’re happy that way, I don’t know. It sounds daft now I say it out loud, but I thought that if I could recreate the ghosts, it would help you to understand what Christmas is for. That it might make you think about your employees and look after them a bit better.” He went quiet but McLean had a strong impression that he was holding something back.

“Did you have something else to say?” McLean asked. “Now’s your chance.”

“It’s just – are you happy Mr Alexander?”

Alexander looked surprised. “I can’t remember the last time anyone asked me that. No, I don’t suppose I am. I grew up in a family where hard work and fun were equally important. Oh, we had the most wonderful Christmases back then.” His eyes shone as he spoke. “My father used to dress up as Father Christmas for the children’s party at the factory and I had to pretend I didn’t know it was him. Then over the years, hard work took over and the fun stopped. My wife, Belinda, died.” His voice faltered. “She had breast cancer. We didn’t have children so when she went I was all alone. It’s easier to bury yourself in work than to submit to the sympathy of well-meaning neighbours. Then one day you find that work is all you have.”

He looked up at Mark. “I’m sorry about Fiona, I didn’t realise she was so unhappy. The truth is, I liked it when she came in over Christmas. I don’t suppose she liked me very much, but she was kind. It reminded me of Belinda. She was good at looking after people, I expect Fiona’s the same.”

Mark nodded. “She is. Everyone except herself. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Thank you.” He looked up at McLean. “I don’t think I want to press charges. Am I able to do that? Can you just let him go?”

“We can. He broke into your garage, but that’s his only offence.”

“Good.”

Everyone stood up and the sergeant removed Mark’s handcuffs.

“There was one other thing.” Alexander said. “Why now? Fiona left nearly two years ago, what prompted you to visit me this year?”

Mark smiled and reached into a pocket for his phone. He found what he was looking for with a few taps and held it out towards Alexander. “This is our daughter, Angela. It’s her first Christmas.”

The sergeant went ahead of McLean to stand down the patrol car that had pulled up in front of the house. Victor and Andrew shook hands on the doorstep.

“I can’t supply you with a giant goose, but I hope you have a wonderful Christmas.”

“Thank you. The whole family are descending tomorrow so it’ll definitely be busy, but at least we’ll have a few quiet days afterwards. What will you do?”

“I don’t know. I’ll think of something.”

As they walked down the path, a woman of about fifty walked up. “I’m sorry to intrude, but I saw the police car; is everything all right?”

“Yes, thank you.” Victor replied. “Just a misunderstanding.”

“Oh, that’s good.” McLean saw her hesitate, biting her lip. “Look – I know we don’t really know each other, but Belinda was a good friend to me. I loved her very much and I don’t believe she’d want you to be on your own at Christmas. Would you like to come over for a drink?”

“Thank you, I’d like that.”

McLean smiled. It was a lovely gesture but he still felt as if he might throw up. He checked his watch. If he was lucky, he’d be home in time for hot chocolate.

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My favourite things about Christmas

A picture of one of my favourite things about Christmas - the lights, not the unknown headless woman.
Photo by Valeria Boltneva from Pexels

It’ll soon be time to hang up the ‘closed’ sign and head off for Christmas. (My closed sign is metaphorical – my office is in the garden and I don’t get visitors.) I know that there are lots of things that are traditionally great about Christmas, but it can also be hugely stressful. The conversation at a recent networking event turned towards gratitude and how much it can benefit our mental health. It got me thinking about the things I actually enjoy about Christmas, so I decided to write them down. Here are my 5 favourite things about Christmas…

Time off

I love taking the school holidays off. There’s nothing quite so joyful as turning off the alarm clock until January. I get to visit people I don’t get to see and spend more time with the ones I live with.

My favourite day off is the one I take on my own before school finishes. I know, I’m weird. I spend the day pottering about doing whatever festive thing comes to mind. It might be ‘Muppets Christmas Carol’ (again) or it could be wrapping presents with a mug of mulled wine and a mince pie. Bliss.

Eating

I’m a vegetarian so I’m not talking about turkey (although I do love Paxo). It’s all the other stuff that goes with Christmas. The cheese, the mince pies, opening the Prosecco at breakfast time. It’s the ridiculously huge tubs of Twiglets, Cheeselets and chocolates that you don’t get at any other time of year. I know I could eat pickled onions all year round, but I don’t. It’s all part of the festive feast and I love it.

Christmas lights

If Christmas trees were banned tomorrow, I wouldn’t mind, as long as I could still have my lights. I love wearing jumpers and scarves and the fact that cold weather makes hot chocolate essential. The only thing I struggle with is the lack of light. A lot of my favourite things about Christmas involve lights – the Christmas tree, the candles and the high street displays. When January comes and the Christmas lights go out, the winter always feels just a little bit harder.

Singing

I’m not a religious woman, but I always head to church at Christmas. One of my relatives is a churchwarden and it’s always fun going to Christingle and watching lots of small children handle naked flames. Also, Christmas carols are brilliant, even if you’re not a believer.

There are also loads of good tunes on adverts and in the shops (although I was once a Christmas shop assistant and I know how wearing they get by Christmas Eve). It’s the one time of year that you can sing to your heart’s content and no-one bats an eyelid.

Murder

Don’t worry, I’m not about to start bumping off family members. Christmas is often associated with ghost stories, but I’m a crime writer. ‘Hercule Poirot’s Christmas’ is a fixture in my festive viewing, along with any new Agatha Christie adaptations that pop up. My husband bought me a copy of ‘The Mistletoe Murder and other stories’ by PD James a few Christmases ago. Since then that bit between Christmas and New Year, when you can’t remember what day it is, finds me curled up on the sofa with a new seasonal crime collection.

What are your favourite things about Christmas? Leave a comment and let me know!

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What do you get a business owner for Christmas?

Business owner with a gorgeous Christmas gift
Photo from freestocks.org via Pexels

I know that when you buy Christmas presents it’s because you love the person you’re giving it to and you want to give them a treat. Buying them a business-related gift can feel a little bit boring. It doesn’t have to be. If you ask most business owners what they want you’ll get something along the lines of more sleep, snacks, alcohol and financial security (that last one applies every year, but especially now). The thing is, you can make their business owning life better and still give them a great Christmas present. Here are my top 5 ideas for great gifts you can buy your favourite business owner this Christmas.

1.      Entertainment

A business owner’s mind is constantly buzzing, so get them a present that helps them switch off. That could be a film to watch at home, or cinema or theatre tickets for a night out together.

If they love reading, a Kindle could be perfect. I resisted one for years until my husband got me one for Christmas. I still love real books, but now I can carry a whole library wherever I go. Alternatively, buy them your favourite book or vouchers to choose their own.

2.      Stationery

Stationery addiction is real and occasionally necessary. I get through notebooks at a ridiculous rate so tend to shop at the budget end of the market. (I’m looking forward to being back at expos where I can snaffle them for free.) One of my favourite gifts was the beautiful pen and pencil set that I use every day. It’s a small thing that makes life better. You could choose lovely pens or a classic Moleskine notebook. You can even get fab digital notebooks if you prefer.

3.      Time saving Christmas gifts

No-one can buy time, but you can buy help.  If you want to outsource to a particular VA/designer/writer but can’t afford it, drop some heavy hints. Share this post on Facebook and say, ‘did you know Kirsty does gift vouchers for her blogging packages (or service of your choice)?’

If that feels weird, choose something fun that will save time in other areas of their life. A nifty gadget, meal subscription or some chloroform to help them get the kids to bed. (Joke. I hope that was obvious.)

4.      Lovely things for their office

A lovely office space became more important during lockdown, when we couldn’t easily go out for a change of scenery. I have a miniature chimp and a couple of plants on my desk, it’s very cheerful. A good Christmas gift could be a plant or a beautiful print.

You could also choose a gadget that makes their office a more pleasant place to be. Would they like to work to music but don’t have the kit? Could an office water bottle help them stay hydrated?

5.      Things to eat and drink

Yes, I know, this is a gift you could buy for almost anyone. The truth is, I’ve never known so many snack addicts since I started hanging out with other business owners. Buy one of us a snack basket with biscuits, crisps and chocolates and you’ll have a friend for life. Tea and coffee will also be gratefully received.

It probably goes without saying that alcohol is always a win. I know a few freelancers who don’t drink, but not many.

What do you want to ask for this Christmas? Leave a comment and let me (or your family) know!

If you’d like to treat a business owner to my services this Christmas, visit my shop to find out more! (Or if you just want to treat yourself to some high quality content in 2022, let’s have a chat.)

Alternatively, why not start the New Year with regular content writing hints and tips straight to your inbox? I hate spam (I’m a vegetarian), I won’t share your details with anyone else and you can unsubscribe any time. I promise I won’t cry. Much.

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How you can start writing brilliant product descriptions

Brilliant product descriptions help your customers to buy the perfect gift.
Photo by Pixabay via Pexels.com

If you have a business that sells anything remotely Christmas related, here’s a statistic for you. 38% of people start their Christmas shopping sometime in October. I know, I was surprised too. The question is, are you ready? Online shopping has rocketed over the past 18 months (by 46% – sorry, I’ll stop with the stats now). The question is, how do you encourage your customers to buy when they’ve only got pictures and a product description to go on? The answer’s pretty obvious when you think about it – you create amazing visuals and descriptions that let them imagine they’ve bought from you already. How do you do that? Read on…

Tell people what they’re buying

This might seem a bit obvious if you’re selling a t-shirt but include a caption that tells people exactly what they’re getting. It just offers an extra bit of reassurance that they haven’t misinterpreted the picture. It also makes your products more accessible to customers who use screen readers. On the other hand, if your product is something out of the ordinary you can use your product description to educate people.

Include technical details

Technical information rarely makes for a scintillating read, so it’s a good idea to put it in bullet point form. Even if it’s a bit dull it’s still important. You don’t want to miss a sale because your potential buyer can’t work out whether that piece of furniture will fit into their house. Tell me that I can chuck that kids’ t-shirt in the washing machine or I’m not buying. Put yourself in your customers’ shoes and you won’t go far wrong.

Show them the benefits

This is the bit where you can start to engage your customers’ emotions. Ask yourself what they care about and how you help with that, then include it in your product descriptions. This could mean showing a ‘before and after’. Focus on the result they want and explain how your product can get them there. You can also speak to people’s values. If you sell baby clothes, talking about fabrics that are gentle on delicate skin shows new parents that you understand them.

Product descriptions with all the feels

Photos and video are great for showing a product in action. One of the downsides of shopping online is that you’ve only got a visual to go on, so use your product descriptions to engage people’s senses and fill in the blanks. Talk about scent if it’s relevant. Describe the feeling of wrapping that soft scarf around their neck or tell them that those earrings would be perfect with their little black dress. Letting people imagine using the product brings them closer to buying it.

Show people the process

This might seem like I’m stating the bleeding obvious, but if you want people to buy you need to make it easy. I know that most of you will have a nice big ‘buy now’ or ‘add to basket’ button and an accessible checkout. What if your products are bespoke or can be personalised? Is there a place for them to add extra details or to send you a message? Is delivery included? The easier you make it, the more likely people are to buy.

One final thing. Remember the gift buyers, especially in the run up to Christmas. If something would make the perfect gift for a particular person, tell them. You’ll make their life a whole lot easier and you might just have a new fan.

If you’d rather save your time and energy for everything else you need to do in your business, I can write (or update) your product descriptions for you. Just click here to book your no obligation chat.

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Case study: a Christmas blog for a non-Christmassy business

A Christmas blog for a locksmith - case study
Photo by Katrien Grevendonck from Pexels

How do you market your business at Christmas when your service isn’t seasonal? A Christmas blog sounds like a great idea but what on earth do you talk about? If the problem you solve could come up at any time of year, you might find yourself struggling to make it festive.

The good news is you just need a bit of lateral thinking. You might also need a writer who doesn’t work in your business every day.

The client

The client came to me through an SEO expert they’d been working with to improve their search rankings. They’re expert locksmiths based in Scotland and serving a clear geographical area, so their SEO campaign was helping them to build their local reputation. They wanted to let local people know about their employee credentials and show why their service was better than the competition.

They were already starting to see results and then came the question of the Christmas blog.

The challenge

The great thing about being a locksmith is that people could need your services all year round. This is good for business but not so great for your Christmas marketing. Do you ignore Christmas altogether or try to include it? The client had only just started blogging and didn’t want to lose momentum. They also realised that a Christmas blog would be more likely to attract readers. The question is, how do you make it interesting and relevant to your audience?

The Christmas blog solution

Luckily for the locksmiths, they were working with me, a writer with a strong lateral thinking streak. It turns out that people lock themselves out of their houses much more often at Christmas, simply because they’re distracted or out of their normal routine. There’s also the increased risk of burglary when your house is full of presents. We talked about simple solutions and included details of what a locksmith could help with. It was helpful and sent a clear message.

So, there you have it – a Christmas blog for a non-Christmassy business. If I can help you to create one of your own, email me or book your no-obligation discovery call here.

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Are you ready to start planning your Christmas marketing?

A woman with hot chocolate getting ready to plan her Christmas marketing
Photo by Brigitte Tohm from Pexels

Yes, I’m publishing this blog in July. No, I haven’t lost my mind. There are already business owners on my social media feeds talking about buying baubles. I know that there are marketing professionals out there that have already been planning their Christmas marketing for months now. I actually said the words “we could do a Christmas gift guide” to a client when it was still June.

When it comes to Christmas marketing business owners tend to fall into one of four camps. There are the ones who are already on it (if you need some help with the copy, get in touch). Then there are the ones who aren’t going to do anything because Christmas is irrelevant to their business (I may have news for you). Maybe you think it’s far too early to think about Christmas marketing, even if you’ve already started buying stock. Or perhaps you start thinking about Christmas sometime around 25th November. The thing is, if you’re going to do any festive marketing it’s worth thinking about it now.

I’m not suggesting that you jump into content creation right now (unless you really want to). All the same, a bit of thought and planning now will make things much easier further down the line, plus you’ll have plenty of ideas if you need to get someone else (like me) to do the creating for you. So, here are a few things to think about for your Christmas marketing.

Start with a blog

You won’t be surprised to hear me suggest this. Even if Christmas isn’t peak season for you, a blog can be reused and shared throughout your marketing, so you build awareness. If it’s your busiest time, a blog gives you a central piece of content that you can break down and share as individual posts. It means you’re more likely to be found by people buying gifts, looking for inspiration or just trying to survive the Christmas stress.

Be helpful

I know that for most of you Christmas marketing is about making sales. That’s OK. The important thing to remember is that you’re more likely to make a sale if you’re being helpful. Put yourself in your customers’ shoes. Offer them a solution to a problem. That solution might end up with them buying something. Even if it doesn’t, you’ll have created a good impression and started to build a relationship that’s based on trust.

Ideas for product-based businesses

Need some ideas? No problem. If you’re a gift-based business, start by making gift recommendations alongside some lovely pictures and links to buy. You could create a whole series of blogs with gifts for mums, dads, aunties, little kids – you get the idea. If you have gifts for the person who has everything or is difficult to buy for, talk about that. You could even do a round up of Secret Santa gifts if you have lots of stocking fillers to share.

Ideas for business that create the perfect day

If you help to make Christmas easier or more enjoyable, talk about it in your Christmas marketing. Do you do home delivery, help with meal prep or offer gift wrapping? Can you suggest 5 ways to keep the family entertained when they’re full of turkey or sick of the sight of each other? Talk about ways to survive Christmas without getting frazzled or share expert tips for busy people. If you can make the whole thing less stressful, your customers will love you.

What if your business isn’t Christmassy?

Writing a Christmas blog for a non-Christmassy business takes a bit of lateral thinking. It starts with putting yourself in your customers’ shoes. Can you offer tips to make extra family time less stressful? Could you help them avoid a Christmas Day emergency? Quick self-care tips are perfect for this time of year. You could just focus on fun – share some Christmas jokes or write a funny blog. My personal favourites are this one I wrote for an insurance broker about insuring Santa and a will writer’s letter to Santa.

Have I got you thinking? If you’d like to talk over some ideas and find out how I could write your blog for you at any time of year, you can book your free discovery call here.

Further reading

If you’d like to go a bit more in depth on the Christmas blog ideas, I’ve got a whole load of them here:

This is for you if your business sells gifts

If you help to create the perfect day

Or if your business isn’t Christmassy at all

You can also sign up to my mailing list for hints and tips straight to your inbox every month. You can unsubscribe whenever you like and I won’t share your information with anyone else.

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Zoom can be murder

Zoom can be murder with a broken bauble.
Image by Freestocks on Unsplash

“Can you hear me?”

“Yes but I can’t see you, you need to turn your camera on.”

“Diane, you’re on mute.” Emma watched as Chris gesticulated wildly trying to send a signal to Diane.

“Wow, Zoe, is that your new house? It’s lush!”

“Thanks. We’re starting to feel settled now.”

“Well, you’ll certainly have had time to do it up since we’ve all been ‘working from home’.”

Emma sighed and saw Zoe roll her eyes. She had never met anyone who did quote marks with their fingers until she started working for Chris’ team. It was ironic that his hand signals were so irritating, given that he tied himself in linguistic knots trying not to offend anyone. She watched as more of her colleagues appeared on the screen. The wine expert was sitting quietly, looking slightly awkward. He looked younger than she’d expected. Most of the wine buffs she knew were well over 40 with a slightly florid complexion. He wasn’t that much older than her. She looked over her shoulder as Tom appeared from Cara’s bedroom and gave her a thumbs up. That was a relief. If she was sparked out already that meant she wouldn’t appear wanting milk in the background of the Zoom call.

Matt’s face appeared on the screen. “You alright Matt? You look a bit groggy babe.” That was how Sophie talked to everyone. Even the chief executive was ‘babe’.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Had a disco nap on the sofa and woke up with a bit of a headache.”

Sophie screeched with laughter. “You’re a proper party animal, aren’t you?” Matt just smirked. Emma could see that the image was a bit fuzzy, but he did look bad.

“Right then, have we got everyone?” Chris had adopted the manner that he used to bring team meetings to attention. Emma could see Zoe’s eyebrows heading upwards again. “Thank you all for coming tonight. I know that we’d much rather be having a team do in person, but I think a Zoom version will make an excellent substitute. I’m sure we’ll be back to a Christmas party with everyone from the office this time next year. Sorry, did someone say something?”

Emma was fairly sure she’d heard a snort of derision from Diane. She’d be retired this time next year and would be spared the annual meal with interminable speeches from everyone in senior management.

“Anyway,” Chris continued, “I’ll hand you over to Adam, our wine expert.”

“Thank you. As Chris said, I’m Adam. I’m a certified sommelier and in normal times I run parties like these in person. Zoom is a new innovation for us but it’s been great to bring people together. Can I just check that everyone has had their catering box delivered?”

A mixture of nods and thumbs up filled the screen.

“Great. Please open them up if you haven’t already.”

Emma had never been to an organised virtual party before. She didn’t feel that drinking gin with her sister-in-law over FaceTime really counted. Earlier that afternoon a delivery driver had turned up bearing a large cardboard box with a clear window in the top. She’d been able to see a selection of cheeses, but as she opened it up she discovered that there were a series of miniature bottles underneath, each with a different variety of wine. Everything was labelled so they could match up the two. She opened the first bottle and poured it into her glass.

Emma was having more fun than she’d expected to. Adam knew his stuff. He was also better at audience participation than his non-COVID job suggested he would be.

“Soph, you’ve frozen again.”

“I don’t think she can hear you Chris.” Sophie was a still image, paused with a glass of wine fixed to her lips.

“You were all statues then” she laughed, “sorry about this, my internet connection’s rubbish.”

“Matt, are you having any crackers with that?” It was the first time Zoe had spoken. Emma thought it was an interesting choice of words to break the silence.

“Nah. Not a fan. No carbs before Marbs and all that.”

“Yeah, because we’ll all be jetting off any time now.”

“Let’s hope, hey?” Emma felt that Zoe’s sarcasm often flew entirely above Chris’ head.

“Right then, let’s move on to the next pairing. This is a Californian Pinot Noir. It’s a lovely light red wine and goes beautifully with – Matt, are you OK?”

Matt was clutching his head. Emma had the distinct impression that he was trying to dig his brain out with his fingers. He groaned, then disappeared as he fell off the sofa.

Sophie made a sound then her camera froze again. Everyone else was silent.

“Matt? Matt, can you hear me?” Chris was trying to sound authoritative but his voice was pure panic.

Zoe spoke next. “Either his screen’s frozen or he’s not moving.”

Emma looked at the faces of her colleagues. Everyone seemed to be frozen and they couldn’t all have a dodgy internet connection. “Well, we need to do something. He lives on his own, doesn’t he? Does anyone live nearby?”

Adam had gone pale but appeared to be taking action. “I’m just trying to get hold of the boss. What if it’s the food?”

“Yes, that’s exactly the response we need.” Zoe was back to her usual self.

“Chris.”

“Yes Diane?”

“Do you have an address for him?”

“There might be one on the system, but am I allowed? I mean – GDPR…”

Emma wanted to throttle him. He’d been obsessing over GDPR for the last two years. “I can’t remember the details but I’m sure getting him medical attention counts as a legitimate reason.”

Sophie’s screen came back to life. “I’ve called an ambulance. I went to his for pre-drinks before the summer party.”

“Do you think that could be the cause?” Diane asked. “Too much to drink beforehand combined with not enough food?”

“If he’d had some crackers it would have soaked it up a bit.” Chris agreed.

“I don’t know,” Emma replied. “He didn’t seem drunk. He seemed drowsy, said he had a headache and it looked like he was sweating. Those symptoms ring a bell but I can’t think why.” She had a dim and distant memory of having read about them somewhere in case she needed to recognise them. Why would she have done that?

Adam had lowered his phone. “Can I just check? Did everyone receive a sealed box?” They all nodded and he lifted the phone again. “Yes, they were.” Down the phone went. “Do we need an address for him or is that sorted?” Emma told him an ambulance was on its’ way and he spoke briefly into the phone before hanging up. “It should be obvious if a box has been tampered with. Apparently the delivery driver couldn’t get an answer at Adam’s so he left it with one of his neighbours. He obviously got it OK though.”

“I’ve got it!” Emma cried as the pieces of her memory organised themselves. She registered a uniform row of startled expressions on the screen. “He’s got the symptoms of hypoglycaemia. My granny had type 2 diabetes. I remember looking up the symptoms in case she ever had an attack when I was with her. Zoe, you’re type 1 aren’t you, do you think it could be that?”

“Well maybe, but he isn’t diabetic. If he was he’d know how important it is to dose his carbs properly, especially when we’re having a drink. And let’s face it, if he was we’d all know about it.”

Something in her voice made Emma look at Zoe more closely. She was always heavy with irony but there was something else. It almost sounded like bitterness. She minimised her Zoom screen and opened Facebook. She was friends with Zoe but had muted her early on in lockdown. Editing whose posts she saw had been an essential tool for managing her mental health. If anyone whinged too much she removed them, at least temporarily. She found Zoe’s account and scrolled through. It was relentless. If a post wasn’t something about the NHS it was a complaint about her neighbour and the incessant noise, the state of his garden or the endless procession of delivery drivers.

Sophie had unfrozen again. “Finally! Can anyone hear sirens? Zoe, you live near him now don’t you? Since you moved? He’s in a terrace on Stubbs Road, one of those ones with the stone fan thingy over the door?”

Emma had expected Zoe to scoff at Sophie’s lack of architectural knowledge, but her face was a mask. It reminded Emma of the scene at the end of Psycho where Norman Bates stares silently at the camera. What had she done? Emma returned to Facebook and carried on scrolling until she found a photo of Zoe with the caption ‘our new home!’ It was a terrace with a fan thingy over the door. Emma could hear the sirens sounding somewhere through the speakers.

“Does he leave the back door unlocked Zoe?”

“What?”

“Matt. He’s your noisy neighbour, isn’t he? They left the box with you and you went round to deliver it. I’d guess that you found him asleep on the sofa and took the opportunity to go and fetch your insulin. Is that how it went?”

Zoe laughed as the sirens got closer and Emma realised she could hear them from two different computers at slightly different times.

“Zoe, what did you do?”

“Nothing you’ll ever be able to prove.”

Her screen went black.

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A copywriter’s letter to Santa

Santa reading a letter from a copywriter
Photo by Jill Wellington from Pexels

I don’t know about you, but I sometimes struggle to tell people what I really want for Christmas. Mostly because the things I want always sound so boring when they come out of my mouth. “Oh, you know – books, gin, new slippers.” Yes, I have reached the age where new slippers or a nice scarf are the perfect present. But what if we had to be creative and write a letter to Santa as adults? What would you actually ask for? I started writing a list then remembered I’m a copywriter. The impulse wouldn’t be to just write to Santa. It would have to be a sales pitch. So, with that in mind, read on for my list. Then find out how the copywriter in me would pitch it to the big guy…

What I really want for Christmas

  1. A day to myself
  2. A big pile of books
  3. A day out that the grown-ups will love as much as the kids

The copywriter’s letter to Santa

Dear Santa,

How are you? I know it must have been a tough year – did you have to put the elves on furlough for a while or were you able to stay open as an essential service? Hopefully it was the latter because we really need some extra Christmas cheer this year. I know you’re busy and the elves are working their fingers to the bone making all the toys so I’m keeping it simple. That way you can just scatter some of your magic dust in the direction of this copywriter and her family.

The thing is, I’ve been really good this year. In fact, my whole household has. That’s why I’m not just asking for things for myself. I’m thinking of them too. That’s why I really, really want a day to myself. Yes, you read that right. I don’t mind where it happens. Truth is, it’ll take me from a stressed out and, frankly, irritable Mum to a person who’s lovely to live with again. Won’t that be great for everyone?

While you’re in the mood to give me some time on my own, I’d really appreciate a big pile of books to go with it. I know there’s a teetering pile of unread paperbacks by my bed and I’ll get to those, I promise. It’s just that I’d really love to read something that someone else chose because they thought I’d enjoy it. I always think that books are a portal into someone else’s world. We could definitely do with a bit more of that at the moment. If everyone does the same maybe you won’t have to deliver to so many war zones in the Christmases yet to come.

One final thing. I don’t know what it’s like for you up there in the North Pole, but down here in Leicestershire life gets busy. We spend so much time juggling that we forget to have fun. Either that or we find ourselves having the same days out over and over again until everyone is bored and grumpy. I know you’re a big fan of keeping the Christmas spirit going all year so here’s how you can help. Find us a new day out that we’ll all love. That way, when you settle down for your long winter nap you’ll know that there’ll be peace on earth (at least, there will at my house).

Thanks for everything Santa (especially the time off, books and family fun). There’ll be a mince pie and a dram waiting for you at my house.

Happy Christmas,

Love Kirsty x

Would you like to create a new pitch for your audience? (Or even Santa.) Get in touch and let’s have a chat about how I can speak your customers’ language.

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How you can write product descriptions that sell

Product descriptions
Photo by Ylanite Koppens from Pexels

When you sell products online you might think that the images you use are the most important thing. Of course, if your images are rubbish you won’t sell much. Your customers need to be able to see what they’re buying and imagine themselves using it. The thing is, the photos are only one part of that. Your product descriptions take it to the next level. The words you use allow your customers to create their own mental images. They take the photos you’ve used and imagine themselves using your products or handing them over as a gift. It doesn’t just show them what they could have, it allows them to see themselves as if they’ve got it already. When you use product descriptions that conjure up the feelings your customers will experience when they’ve bought something from you, that’s the magic that persuades them to buy. Here’s how to do it.

Include the basics

I shouldn’t need to say this, but a high street retailer recently lost an online sale because their kids’ shoe sizing didn’t tell me whether the shoes would fit my child. I know. Don’t let that happen to you. Include basics like price, size and the materials or ingredients used. Some customers will message you to ask, but most won’t. They’ll just go somewhere that has clearer information.

Talk about benefits

Pretty much every sale ever made happens because the person buying the product can see how it will solve a problem or improve their life. Think about how each product will help your customer. It could give them a tidier house, entertain their children or save them time when they’re trying to get out of the house in the morning. Show them what it would be like if they had this product in their life and they’ll bite your hands off to buy.

Engage their senses

This can be a tricky one, but it’s another element that engages your customer’s imagination. Help them to experience a physical sensation or an emotion. How will that gorgeously soft scarf feel when they wrap it around their neck? Let them imagine the joy on their child’s face when they open the perfect gift on Christmas morning. (Or possibly the early hours if we’re honest.) Letting people see what life will be like when they’ve bought a product increases the chance that they’ll actually buy.

Make it scannable

Some bits of your product descriptions work best as a short paragraph. For others, make a list. If your products have features that are likely to be really important to your customers, make them easy to spot.  You might want to highlight safety features, eco-friendly credentials or high quality ingredients. It also makes your product descriptions shorter and easier to read. No-one wants ‘War and Peace’ when they’re just doing a bit of shopping.

Tell a mini story

Telling a mini story isn’t essential to good product descriptions, but it can work really well. For example, if you use materials that have an interesting back story, why not mention it? Talk about the tweed you bought from a family who’ve been making it for a hundred years and how you brought it home to create a handcrafted bag that will hold every working day essential. Tell your customers about the people who create your favourite wine or that extra special cheese. If it taps into something your audience cares about it can work really well.

Do you need help writing your product descriptions? For a limited time only, I’ll write them for you! Get ready for Christmas with brilliant product descriptions that you can use on your website, in your social media posts, emails… pretty much anywhere you like. Click here to book your discovery call to find out more. Or sign up to my mailing list for hints and tips straight to your inbox every month.

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Christmas in September? Are you kidding me?!

The adventure begins - Christmas in September
Photo by Simon Migaj from Pexels

I know you probably don’t want to think about Christmas and believe me, I’m with you. All the major retailers can do one until after Halloween. But we can’t do that. When you’re a small business owner the best time to think about Christmas is July. Or April. Or maybe even January. Certainly any time other than December. Yet that’s what so many of us do. Here’s why you need to need to resist the urge to say ‘bah, humbug’ and get into the Christmas spirit as soon as possible.

This year needn’t be a write off

There’s no denying it, 2020 has been monumentally crap. I don’t normally use even the mildest swearwords in my blog so you can tell it’s bad just by that. We’ve all struggled in different ways. Yet there have also been bright spots. I’m not going to rehearse them all here – for one thing, I’ve no desire to create something that could be used on the BBC with some inspiring music behind it. I’m highly tempted just to pull the duvet over my head and wait it out until spring. The trouble is, I’d miss the chance to make the best of the last bit of the year. We don’t know what’s going to happen next but we can still make a plan to end the year on a high. If the plan needs to change, that’s OK. We’ve spent the year practising for that.

If thinking about Christmas is taking you back to early lockdown, don’t worry. There were lots of businesses worrying about being seen to profit when others were struggling. Selling Christmas gifts could bring those feelings out again, but it shouldn’t. You’re helping to make people happy and putting food on your family’s Christmas table. There’s nothing wrong with that.

You can share some Christmas cheer

The other good thing about planning for Christmas is that it will make people happy. There’s been a whole heap of doom and gloom but I’m starting to hear people get cautiously excited about Christmas. We’ll almost certainly have to adapt to whatever the rules turn out to be. Our expectations have probably already been lowered but we can still have some fun. The days leading up to Christmas feel different from the rest of the year. They’re just a bit more sparkly. That’s true even if you’re stressed out with kids, shopping and running a business.

There won’t be Christmas fairs and school plays this year. I’ve no idea whether Santa will have a socially distanced grotto. But the lights and Christmas trees can still go up and you can make your social media feed a winter wonderland. (If you feel like it.) We’ll all be looking for new and different ways to find our Christmas spirit and your business can contribute to that.

You don’t have to have a Christmassy business

If you’re reading this thinking ‘hang on, my business doesn’t sell anything to do with Christmas’, don’t worry. You can still have some fun. Show people what you’re up to, even if it’s only with photos of Christmas jumper day or the office tree. There are even ways to create a Christmas blog post that will give your audience something to think about or make them chuckle.

Of course, you could even turn the whole thing on its head and say ‘bah humbug’. There would be plenty of people agreeing with you and you might even make them laugh. If it reflects your sense of humour you could find yourself with a whole new audience.

If you need some help with your Christmas marketing I’ve got two useful things for you. If you don’t have the time to plan and write your own Christmas marketing, I can do it for you. I’ll write 24 social media posts to take you from 1st December to Christmas Eve, along with a Christmas themed blog post tailored to your business. You supply the images and I’ll do the rest. If you’d like to find out more book your no obligation discovery call here.

If you’d rather do it yourself you can buy my eBook with ideas for posts from 1st December to Christmas Eve, here. Or sign up to my mailing list for hints and tips straight to your inbox.