Winning in families can be defined in many different ways. For some, just getting through the day is a win, but many parents see winning as the recognition and glory that comes from the certificates, medals, trophies and accolades that result from being the best in class at something. This might be in an academic or sporting context, or in the arts or one of the many other recreational activities our children participate in.
A healthy dose of a winning mentality in families is good if it incentivises effort, focus and motivation. Sometimes pressure can be a catalyst for improvement, and a bit of natural adrenalin is a good thing; after all, that is how we are wired as humans. But what happens when this spins out of control and winning is too important?
As a parent who has experienced being in the highly competitive environment of elite sport, I have seen first-hand how families can fall on the wrong side of the winning mentality. Sport can bring out the best and the worst in parents, and many of the same issues translate into the much broader context of family life. Worryingly, some parents can see making packed lunches as competitive!
Why, as a culture, have we become so obsessed with winning?
Often, it’s becausewe are craving certaintyfor our children. We are anxious for them to succeed in a competitive world. How do we know they are going to ‘make it’? How do we know they are good enough to pass their exams or get selected for a team? What if they fail?
We want to know our children will have a happy, healthy and successful future, so we look for things to reassure us and give us confidence that they are on the right path. This generally involves benchmarking them academically, physically or emotionally against their peers. ‘Comparisonitis’ is a scourge of modern society, exacerbated by the nation’s obsession with social media, which permeates into our conscious and unconscious mind. We look at our own world through the filter of other people’s images and information about their seemingly amazing lives. It’s very easy to see our children’s success or failure as a reflection of who we are or what we are lacking in compared to others.
We have also developed an impatient culture where we are not prepared to wait for anything, and this also spills over into family life. We are impatient for results and unwilling to accept that along our child’s developmental journey sometimes making learnings and making gains takes time. Children should be celebrated when they begin something new. No one starts off being amazing at anything. It may sound counter-intuitive, but good things often develop from making it through tough times, and bad things can develop from too much pleasure too soon.
What happens to parents when winning is too important?
When the pressure of winning or the need to see our children succeed builds, we can start to lose our natural perspective about the things that really matter. We might start to get over-critical of our children or of ourselves, or maybe if we see small signs of progress, we begin to believe our children are going to be super-stars, irrespective of the reality of what they are really capable of.
The weight of expectation can weigh heavily on a young child, and they will pick up on this pressure not only via what we say but in terms of how we behave around them as they pick up on non-verbal cues, such as our body language. Before you know it, the thing they were doing for fun becomes a chore, you’re dealing with tears and tantrums, and they want to quit. Sometimes they will start to hide their true feelings as they don’t want to disappoint us or be told that how they feel is not acceptable. This is a dangerous path. Although setting the bar high can be good as it teaches children that they can do more than they think they are capable of, expecting too much and craving perfection is demoralising.
How does a parents’ need to win impact our children?
Sometimes the need for our children to succeed comes from issues from our own past. If we unintentionally use our children to heal our emotional wounds or issues about failure in our life, then it really is becoming all about us and not about them. It may show up as over-invested behaviour on the sideline at a sporting fixture when parents argue with the ref or make their small children feel ashamed or useless. This undoes all the good that sport has to offer. Children have an inner compass just like we do, and they know when they’ve messed up. They don’t need us to tell them.
Motivated by the need for our children to max out their opportunities to develop winning ways, ‘helicopter parenting’ may take over in the form of overprotecting and controlling behaviour. It’s an attempt to clear the path of anything that might challenge children or distract them from the ‘winning’ things we think they should focus on, and it prevents children from facing tough times or experiencing failure. It is hugely counter-productive as it deprives our children of resilience-building opportunities, which are a rich seam of character-building potential for the long term.
Alternative definitions of ‘winning’
Winning should also be about being rewarded for consistently making an effort, trying new things, learning how to lose, being kind, respecting others, showing humility, having fun, making new friends, overcoming setbacks, being teachable, being resilient, knowing when to say no. (There are many more.)
A more positive and more rounded parental perspective around winning and losing will develop our young children into happier, healthier, more confident individuals.It is down to us as parental role models to set the tone of what winning really means by establishing a culture at home that we demonstrate through our words and our actions. Remember, children do not do what we say, they do what we do. They have been mirroring our behaviour since the day they first smiled back at us as a baby.
10 Practical tips
Focus on the right stuff
Some of the most together children I know are raised in houses that are a mess, by parents who turn up late and wear mismatched socks. When parenting life becomes overwhelming, perhaps they knew what to let go and what to put first. Kindness matters. Socks…not so much.
Be patient
Lots of highly performing children were not always great as children develop physically and emotionally at different times. I have seen children who were timid and bottom of the class excel and achieve in their teens. (I have also seen superstar performers at 7 fade away to nothing.)
Do not assume they will want to follow in your footsteps
Children have different genes and different environmental influences. They are not you. Just because you were good at something does not mean they will be.
School doesn’t suit everyone
Accept that some children never fit into the sausage machine of school life, (my own daughter being one of them) and may excel in the real world beyond the confines of the classroom.
Take a break
Taking a holiday or just changing your environment is so important to reset your perspective when everything gets too much.
Establish boundaries
Everyone needs time to relax and just ‘be’, without the pressure of having to achieve anything.
Check in
If your children are obsessing about highly competitive activities are they doing this for the love of the activity, for you, or for themselves?
Focus on effort not on the end result
Always ensure children know you don’t think any less of them because they have failed at something. What matters is that they gave their best effort.
Build resilience
Never do anything for a child that the child can do for themselves; but don’t promote heroic individual strength of character either as they need to know you are there for them if times get tough. Expose them to as many varied opportunities to develop coping mechanisms as you can.
Use your intuition
As a parent you know your children better than anyone, and if something they are working towards doesn’t feel right and is making them unhappy then stop. Even if it works against the grain of securing their ‘winning future’ don’t worry, it will often be for the best. Be aware that our need to be certain of their future lowers our ability to put faith in our own resources and use our gut instinct.
Conclusion
No one can predict the outcome of a child’s future and whether they will succeed or fail at anything. However hard we try, however brilliant our advice and support is as parents, however good their teachers or coaches are, and whatever they say they will guarantee, the only thing we know for sure about ‘winning’, in whatever way you define it, is nothing is certain. So you might as well relax about it.
All we can do is create the optimum conditions and environment under which our children can flourish. Focus on getting the basics right – quality nutrition and regular hydration, love and support with a focus on fun, a good routine and a well organized environment at home. That is winning.